Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
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Chicago sounds lovely.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.