@papasuncle

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

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@CherBear162

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

@panmidwest

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

@discountzen

I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.

@SteveSuckington

[first time having sex]

Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?

Couch cushion: ….

@Ygrene

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

@hollyshortall

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

@Thereeveryday

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

@RidiculousSheri

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.