Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*


When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”


My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.


Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.


[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself


If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.


Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.


me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!


I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.