Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
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Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Jesus steals the winter solstice
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.