*accidentally watches MTV awards
me: goodnight moon
me: [pumping shotgun] forever
You Might Also Like
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: Can I come in?
St Peter: *shakes head no*
Me: Was it close?
St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really