me: goodnight moon


me: [pumping shotgun] forever

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People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.


Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”


TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no


Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..


Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today


Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.


Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.


Me: Can I come in?
St Peter: *shakes head no*
Me: Was it close?
St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really