Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
can’t wait til they legalize outside
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached