If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
This is amazing.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday