@daddydoubts

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

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@SuperJuanderer

What idiot called them swordfish instead of… oh, no, wait, actually that’s pretty good.

@Bob_Janke

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

@CM2BTTHD

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

@WheelTod

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@Love_bug1016

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

@MarfSalvador

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@BraandoCommando

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road