What idiot called them swordfish instead of… oh, no, wait, actually that’s pretty good.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
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him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road