Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”