@carlyken

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

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@kimlockhartga

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

@girl_a_whirl

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

@NightTraumaDoc

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

@MrSpoonicorn

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

@TheHyyyype

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

@daplusk

I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.

@cottoncandaddy

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

@gobmentcheese

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.