me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
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I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Incredible customer service.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
sin harder.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward