Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
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*aircrafts dropping from the sky
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Seems kinda suspicious
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.