Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

@thombodytolove

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

@BuckyIsotope

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

@Tmoney68

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

@XOperfectmessXO

I’m like a kid. People like me best when I’m quiet or sleeping.

@girl_a_whirl

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

@markydoodoo

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

@unsoIveddjh

145.