Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger