I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
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General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.