My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
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I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
happy mother’s day❤️
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Stop it! 😂
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.