@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

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@GensPlace

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

@ericsshadow

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@Freudianscript

When speaking to your wife, always end with, “but i could be wrong,” this way when she says you’re wrong, you’ll be right for a change.

@BadJokeCat

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

@BuckyIsotope

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

@dadmann_walking

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

@Birdhumms

You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.

@AndyAsAdjective

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me