@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

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@mattr_in_nc

Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?

@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew

@ginadivittorio

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

@timdonakowski

Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”

Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?

@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

@Contwixt

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

@JermHimselfish

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

@johnofah

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

@Dank_Pal

“And for our next lesson, we’ll learn how to roll a blunt, or un cigarrillo marijuana”
– Rosetta Stoned