Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?
me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
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Wife: Did you get eggs?
Me: pew pew
Wife: Great lasers, so did you?
Me: pew pew pew pew pee
Wife: Why me god.
Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”
Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“And for our next lesson, we’ll learn how to roll a blunt, or un cigarrillo marijuana”
– Rosetta Stoned