doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
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“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I’m being attacked 😭
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*