Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
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do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
as is their right
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?