Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

i wonder why they stopped looking