me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

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Caterpillar: *walking*

Snake: Okay what

Caterpillar: *grows wings*



Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit


So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.


’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.


Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar


*Gazes longingly out window for white kidnapper van that never comes for me*


My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.