me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.