@bobvulfov

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

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@Browtweaten

Caterpillar: *walking*

Snake: Okay what

Caterpillar: *grows wings*

Snake: OKAY WHAT

@neonwario

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

@Karissajem

So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.

@MattRundle

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

@steeve_again

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

@Cicatrix13

*Gazes longingly out window for white kidnapper van that never comes for me*

@david8hughes

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.