I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
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guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My flabber has been gasted.
IT’S-A ME,
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Legend 🤣🤣
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Breaking news:
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit