Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
You Might Also Like
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.