JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: I’m a truck driver
Me: A food truck driver
Her: here’s my number
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had