Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

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JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop


Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…


There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.


If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold


CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly


I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.


Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.


*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number


if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had