Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
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[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.