I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
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Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…