Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.