@chuuew

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

You Might Also Like

@Mom_Overboard

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

@bea_ker

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

@desi_princess

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

@thetits

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

@LeBearGirdle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

@MissBamantha

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

@david8hughes

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

@delusions_of

I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.

@crunchenhanced

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.