ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
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Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.