@ColorMeScradd

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

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@davidkenny100

What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.

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@TheCareBare

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

@InternetHippo

[hell]
Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this

@Tmoney68

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

@XplodingUnicorn

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

@CantWaitToNap

I only buy the essentials on Amazon.

*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*

@shadygrenade

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

@MaryBurns007

I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness,” but that doesn’t work. 🤔

@TheAlexP

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

@UncleDuke1969

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”