What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I only buy the essentials on Amazon.
*Opens new Night Vision Goggle Kit*
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness,” but that doesn’t work. 🤔
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”