Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Who did it better?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Chemical wingman
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously