– me trying to eat with chopsticks.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
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Coworker: I never would’ve guessed you’re in your 30’s. You look so young.
Me: I’m old at heart.
I just said, “who the hell is calling here at 9 o’clock at night?” and I died a little on the inside.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?
*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered