My parents: we have something to tell you
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
You Might Also Like
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
B: Is that a sticky note?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…
What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
Anyone want to suit up in full hazmat gear and head to the grocery store to freak people out?
[knock at door]
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]