Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.