Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
back to work
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
incredible text to wake up to
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs