Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
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Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Saw online –
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter