@Marlebean

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

- @Marlebean

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@WineMummy

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

@bourgeoisalien

Just accidentally messaged my husband “love you sexy beats” instead of “sexy beast” and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.

@alovablenerd

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

@robfee

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

@ThisOneSayz

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

@just1fool

No thanks, animal crackers. You’re not fooling me. I eat real animals.

@TweetPotato314

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

@TheAlexNevil

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@OBiiieeee

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time