@Marlebean

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

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@DomesticGoddss

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

@SteveDutzy

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

@AndyAsAdjective

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

@DirtMcTurd

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

@Bob_Janke

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

@imdaintyaf

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

@hoedeehoe

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

@ItsAndyRyan

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

@MrEd_EVH

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?