Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.


Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.


I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.


[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”


If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.


Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.


(1st day in heaven)



A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.


Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?