Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
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No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
wtf is an acronym
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.