Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
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Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?