Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*

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{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear


i’m undressing you with my ey… oh god, no no no i’m redressing you.


Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed


Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.


It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.


Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi


Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.


Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.


[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight


Me – Doctor, I have depression.

Doctor – Are you on anything for it?

Me – Twitter.