Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*

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I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.


Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.


A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either


Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.


Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah


Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.


Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.