Science is to Scientology as meth is to Methodist.
Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg
“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”
Me: *grabs another donut & runs*
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Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.