@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*

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@Home_Halfway

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

@thom_the_jew

i’m undressing you with my ey… oh god, no no no i’m redressing you.

@ScarletWLand

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

@BuffaloHomo

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

@better_off_dad

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

@schlimp

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

@just1fool

Sleeping with me is a lot like sleeping with a stuffed animal. But that’s only after I’ve eaten Mexican food.

@UncleBob56

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

@wateringabuxus

Me – Doctor, I have depression.

Doctor – Are you on anything for it?

Me – Twitter.