@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*

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@TheMichaelRock

I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.

@AristotlesNZ

Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.

@Marlebean

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

@thedad

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

@ddsmidt

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

@KittenWritten

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.