Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage


Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely


Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.


Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?


Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.


My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist


[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?


Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.