Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Stop it! 😂
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?