@GrumpyBahr

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

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@ghostovpiss

what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden

@joe_binkley

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

@BigJDubz

Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely

@Nyx422

Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.

@HatfieldAnne

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

@lotusflowerom

Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

@TrueTorontoGirl

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

@duplicitron

Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.