what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me: [getting eaten by a shark] this is statistically unlikely
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.