me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
#StillHurts
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.