@EJGomez

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

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@nv7281

If “The Breakfast Club” were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.

@chriscr10571

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

@bngzyface

Whoever has my voodoo doll must just be continuously feeding it.

@Tommytoughstuff

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

@MommaUnfiltered

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

@Tmoney68

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

@TheDairylandDon

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

@Try2StopME

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.