@EJGomez

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

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@FloodyHippie

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

@RdrJay47

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

@Shut_up_Marissa

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

@MyHairyLife

If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.

@KevinHart4real

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

@TheBoydP

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

@kellyoxford

If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?