me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
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It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.