Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
emergency phone
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
when you don’t want to be too vague
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)