America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
[walking home after date]
Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me
Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.