Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
it must be school picture day
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.