Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
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My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.