ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
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WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Me: I’m a mature adult
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