Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.


Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.



Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”


Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Don’t be silly – opportunity doesn’t knock twice!”


[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”


Little do you know that in my head I’ve already married you, divorced you, and hidden your body.


[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”


ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction


*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math