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I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me too door. Me too.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”