Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
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To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn鈥檛 even want to ask why.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Love this guy
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That鈥檚 okay. I鈥檇 really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
i鈥檓 a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 馃檨
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resum茅 speaks for itself
my fianc茅 and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we鈥檙e going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don鈥檛 have kids
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you鈥檝e got enough blankets on you? I can鈥檛 even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I鈥檓 just talking to a pile of blankets, aren鈥檛 I?
Pile of blankets: …