@junejuly12

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

You Might Also Like

@WildeThingy

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

@stormy_hero

[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row
“AWKWAAAARD”

@daemonic3

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

@PlainTravis

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

@rockymomax

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

@okimstillhungry

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

@MarfSalvador

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?