Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome