ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
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I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’ve been drinking.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.