Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Every haunted house movie:
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad