Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice


Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit


Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.


Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.


Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that…


“Women don’t like me, idk why?”
“Maybe it’s because they sense you’re a psycho who will decapitate their cat?”
“No, that can’t be it.”


There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.


CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.


Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.


No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.