FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
You Might Also Like
The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.