I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
FINE, I WON’T.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I hope they boil the right one.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”