My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
You Might Also Like
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.