@MyPolishFace

Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Me: no
Him: your mustache?
Me: no
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore

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@o__0Dev

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

@KenJennings

SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room

@pleatedjeans

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

@envydatropic

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

@Vodkantots

Me: My stomach hurts.
WebMD: You’re a kid, trying to get out of something.

@Boba_Photo

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.

@AndyAsAdjective

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

@CulturedRuffian

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.