Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

Botany good plants lately?