If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
You Might Also Like
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.