@Grafiksein

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

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@FatherWithTwins

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

@iSamJack

“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*

@Reverend_Scott

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

@Carbosly

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.


Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

@drankturpentine

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

@Staggfilms

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

@Jenny4ashley

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

@truegritrumble

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

@Lufty

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled