Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
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Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Uh oh…
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”