@Grafiksein

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

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@GrantTanaka

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

@HatfieldAnne

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldnโ€™t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

@dihorla

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

@TheThomason

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

@DukEB51

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

@Izianikapani

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

@Reverend_Scott

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

@awkwardphilippe

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

@KDsFavs

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

@bouncerface

Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.