Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

You Might Also Like


this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade


Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldnโ€™t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.


I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.


Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…


My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.


Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep




Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.


FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?



[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you


I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good


Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.